I haven’t posted to this blog since the day I set it up…I guess that I have kept a running commentary in my head instead of how I have been feeling each day, each week , each month. Had I documented my journey, It would undoubtedly have helped me grasp some idea of my progress over the last 3 years – to chart how well I have done, to give me cause for celebration…..Somehow, I found the reality of what I was going through too personal and too puzzling, and sometimes too painful to set out in black and white and staring me in the face.
I know that my fate was in my hands – and so take responsibility for what has happened – but I also know that my husband must shoulder the blame for imprisoning my true personality within the web that he spun around us. He did not intend to control me, I believe that he saw it as protecting me. For many years I was content to walk that road alongside him, as I adored him – and so I allowed his emotional shortcomings to become a part of our life together.
My world fell apart when I started to rebel against this status quo, probably due to the underlying current of my menopausal state. I wanted more than protection and affection – I wanted excitement and I wanted to be desired…..Funny, but I am the one that feels guilty still, after all this time. I still feel that I let him down – and I hate that feeling. We are still friends, and that makes the situation bearable – but although we have both moved on I feel that I will always have regrets about losing his love. I had a dream only last night when I was taken back to a scenario where he was rejecting me all over again. It was very upsetting, even though some part of my rational brain was reminding me that I don’t have to worry because I have my new partner, Charlie ( so I am not all alone like I was when it really happened ). Charlie has a very different approach to emotional issues, and I am sure that I was always meant to find that missing piece of the jigsaw….
I have made giant strides in my quest to find the ‘real me’ – and to live the type of everyday life that I can be content with. I am wholly convinced that my true self , together with all the good things in my life right now are worth more than the safety, security, and wealth I had before – but it doesn’t benefit to dwell on what has been lost versus what has been gained. The only way to cope with those feelings of regret is to be mindful that life is a journey, and the path is being mapped out for me by many many factors. I am never able to be completely in control of my destiny – but I can tread the path positively and bravely – keeping what is most precious to me as close as I possibly can……..